


Broken Birds

by I_am_a_Ruin



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Cancer Arc, Cutting, Deaf Character, FTM Lance McClain, Gender Dysphoria, I'm not gonna promise a lot of fluff but there's some, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Cancer, Recurrence, Self-Harm, Sick Character, Some Fluff, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Telepathic Bond, Trans Lance (Voltron), Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Triggers, inappropriate reaction to mental health, remission, shiro is tired and doing his best
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 01:17:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18713545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_a_Ruin/pseuds/I_am_a_Ruin
Summary: Keith has been in and out of hospitals most of his life with very little guarantee at having any sort of future. One thing that's always been his, something he could count on, was his soulmate. Over time, though, his soulmate grows distant and even when they start talking again, it's not the same. Keith doesn't know how to let him back in his life, and it becomes easier to shut his soulmate out when a radical treatment allows him to attempt to have a normal life.Lance has a hard time balancing his trust in his soulmate with his guilt over his parents' divorce. When it seems like his soulmate no longer cares, Lance adds it to one more thing in his life he's ruined. He's not doing well, despite what he pretends.





	Broken Birds

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags! This includes sick children and other triggering content.  
> Also, some of the topics covered I really worked to do as much research as I could for it, but it's very easy to misrepresent. I hope I did a good job, but I frankly have no experience with some of these things and won't pretend to. So please do not use this fic for any kind of education or draw for information. If you really want to learn more about experiences with cancer or being respectful and understanding of someone who is trans and what they go through TALK TO THEM! They would know and many are very willing to talk about it. Also understand that if they do not want to talk about it they have a right not to. Just be respectful guys.  
> Anyways, if there is something I've done a poor job on or I've been offensive in the representation, please please let me know. I would love to fix it.

**Keith**

It started with a needle. Most of Keith’s earliest and most important memories seemed to include them. 

Shiro was trying to get more answers, different answers, to the same questions he’d asked, been asking for weeks now, out of the nurse. Normally, Shiro was more patient and understanding. (He was always a little irrational when it came to Keith.) However, he’d been waiting three hours to meet with Keith’s specialist and it was sounding like it might be another hour and it had driven him to babble like a fountain. Keith didn’t need to see Shiro’s face to know any of this because it was painted all over the nurse’s. The poor, frustrated, and embarrassed nurse. She didn’t have any answers, at least not to those questions. She was here for  _ this  _ treatment, not the one they were considering. She had likely never even heard of it, considering it was pretty much a new trial. She was polite enough to put up with Shiro’s barrage of questions as best she could, though. Which was nice except it meant that Keith was alone. 

The real problem was that Shiro was too preoccupied to keep Keith’s mind calm. The crappy novel Keith had brought was zero help, as well, because every time he turned the page he felt the tug of the needle in his arm and his stomach flipped at the reminder.

It was some stupid line of a song that he couldn’t place and soothing enough Keith thought about just letting ---- continue to sing away his anxieties. On days like this, he almost didn’t notice her creep into his mind. He came to part way through her song and fought a small smile, wondering if this was something Keith was intended to hear at all. She  _ did  _ have a knack for knowing he was distressed and singing to calm him down.  _ ‘Hello?’ _

The song ended abruptly and his question was answered in the shock he felt that was not his own. 

_ ‘Sorry’  _ The voice was loud, louder than Keith’s own thoughts. He could actually imagine it was someone whispering directly into his ear if he tried hard enough.

_ ‘Well, your timing couldn’t be better,’  _ Keith told her, trying to settle her guilt.

_ ‘You need to stop having bad days! Who do I need to fight to make this day better?’ _

_ ‘No one, but thanks for the offer. I’m okay. Your singing has gotten better.’  _ Keith closed his book decidedly. It had completely lost his interest.

_ ‘Thanks! What’re you doing? You sound kinda… distracted.’  _ \----- asked.

What a question to ask. Keith didn’t really want to tell her the truth. It was really nice, and rare, to not have someone know. Ever since their connection first started back when Keith was seven, he’d avoided telling her anything about being sick. At the time it was because everyone, especially other kids Keith’s age, equated cancer with death. Keith didn’t want to freak her out. And he really didn’t feel like explaining chemo if ----- had never heard of it. He barely had the basic understanding of what it was at the time and he went through it often.

_ ‘Just reading,’  _ Keith settled on but rolled his eyes when he heard the laughter echo. 

_ ‘Nerd. Cool, what’s it about?’ _

_ ‘Space,’  _ Keith said slowly, waiting for the usual spike in her excitement at anything space-related. She could tease him all day long about being a nerd, but she got just as hyped when it came to this kind of thing.  _ ‘It kind of sucks though. Like they didn’t do their research at all.’ _

_ ‘Woah! That’s cool. Not that it sucks, though, I guess. I decided yesterday that I was just gonna be an astronaut when I’m grown up because  _ mama  _ told me there are lots of women who have been to space and showed me all kinds of pictures of them. It was awesome,’  _ \----- sounded genuinely excited and it brought Keith’s smile back. 

Keith got so caught up in talking with ----- about their favorite things about space, he didn’t even notice the time passing. The nurse, having finally calmed Shiro down, came over to detach the IV while Shiro finished his conversation with the specialist.

_ ‘Oh, I gotta go. Sorry,’  _ Keith said hurriedly, not wanting to risk worrying Shiro. If Keith got this distracted with their conversation, it might make Shiro panic and he wasn’t really ready to tell his brother yet. And just as suddenly as she’d appeared, she was gone. Keith already missed her, which was ridiculous, but he was also grateful. Their connection was growing all the time but he had felt almost all of -----’s emotions this time. 

It wasn’t supposed to manifest so early in a child’s life so Keith wasn’t sure how much more it would continue to grow. One day, she may be able to feel anything physical he did while their connection was open. The thought was unbearable.

***

The bruises started appearing when he was three years old. Keith doesn’t really remember them so much, just all the stories Shiro told. Being a fairly active toddler, the excessive bruising was overlooked, especially as Keith didn’t really seem to mind them. What worried their parents was when he stopped being so active. He developed a fever and his parents finally took him to the hospital and the tests started. Most everything was really vague.  Keith really only remembered being extremely tired all the time with a painfully sore throat. He didn’t even remember getting his first round of chemo.

The next few days, however, he remembered vividly. Most of it was spent puking, the rest he slept. Mom and Dad had said the medicine would make him feel better but Keith just felt worse than ever. He fought them tooth and nail when it was time to go back, at least until he was too tired to do anything but cry. Shiro was the only person who could calm him down, even then.

Although the chemo treatment they had him on now wasn’t quite as hard on his body as the first one had been, it still wore him down. He felt his soulmate prodding at his mind the entire day, but he was just too drained to respond. Shiro hardly moved at all that day either, and Keith wondered if maybe this was all finally taking its toll on his brother. 

Always weirdly attuned with Keith’s moods despite his best efforts to hide the worst things from her, he was woken up the next morning by gentle singing. Keith wanted to be annoyed but she had a really good voice and it's still just as soothing as it was the first time, so he allowed it. 

When he could finally stay conscious for more than two hours, Keith noticed he had a visitor. It’s more bitter than sweet, even if he was elated to see Pidge again. It’d been almost two years since they last spoke since he was almost never out of the hospital and her family lived too far away for proper visits. 

Immediately, he could tell that this wasn’t a visit. Her eyes were looking bruised and swollen once again and skin sickly pale. It did not match the grin on her face, though. This was often how their reunions went: ignoring the real reason she’s returned. 

“Pidge,” Keith managed and grimaced at how sore his throat felt.

“You look crappy.”

“Nice to see you too,” Keith sighed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Yeah, I missed you,” 

Pidge’s eyes widened and Keith could tell something had caught her attention. An exhausted woman appeared in Keith’s doorway, someone he was very familiar with. He could see from her exasperated and relieved expression and Pidge’s guilty one that she’d probably been yelling. When she spotted Keith, however, her shoulders relaxed a little. She gave Keith a small wave before turning back to Pidge, but Keith could see her face just fine, “If you wanted to say hi to Keith you could have just asked.”

Pidge sulked, wrapping her arms around herself. “No, I couldn’t. He just got out of chemo.”

“And you need to be resting just as much, then. Come on, you two can catch up at dinner.” Colleen insisted. 

“Bye, Keith. See you later,” Pidge said, walking backward so she could say her goodbye where Keith could see. This resulted in her almost falling over her constantly-untied shoelaces. Colleen managed to catch her in time and didn’t let go of Pidge’s arm despite her protests out of the room.

They didn’t end up meeting up for dinner. Keith  _ was  _ feeling better, but still too weak to make it to the tiny cafeteria. Besides, Shiro got off work at dinner and wanted to eat just them two. His brother liked to make a big deal out of the first meal Keith could properly stomach after chemo. 

Pidge didn’t hold it against him either, he found out when they were together again. She didn’t like saying so, but this was an obviously bad recurrence for her. Every time she returned was worse than the last. 

Being scared was a waste of time though, and they were a good distraction for each other from the constant, and sucky, blood tests. And they could finish school assignments together, which Keith loved having Pidge around for. Despite being almost three years younger than him, she was usually correcting  _ his  _ worksheets. Pidge was crazy brilliant.

_ ‘Where did you go?’  _ \----- prodded as Keith and Pidge had hit the tail end of their bout of homework. She was radiating concern, hating it when Keith was radio silent for too long. 

Problem was, Pidge was such a wonderful and welcome distraction, Keith all but forgot his soulmate even existed. The reminder made him feel terribly guilty. In part for ignoring ----- for so long, but also for hating that she popped up when Keith was with Pidge. He’d always wanted to keep this secret, something special only he got to have.

_ ‘Hey! Just been really busy. Some friends over. Can we talk later?’  _ Keith responded after a few moments of trying to put Pidge’s burning questions on pause long enough to think.

_ ‘Of course. But can we talk tonight?’  _

_ ‘Sure thing’  _

Once she was gone, Keith sighed and turned back to his disgruntled friend. That was the other thing. Trying to have a conversation with his soulmate mentally and someone in real life was almost impossible despite having done it for almost five years now. Pidge took several moments to warm back up at having been ignored and Keith tried his best to pretend to not see the worry on her face. 

Pidge’s arrival was why he missed the signs that something was wrong with his soulmate. Maybe it was also because everything happened so slowly. She was so quiet that night, mostly just wanting to hear about Keith’s time with his friend. It was rare for him to mention friends so he assumed that was why she was so interested. When she did speak up, her responses just sounded distant.

Distant was the perfect word for what happened over the next few months. They went longer without speaking because ----- had almost always been the one to open the line up. She just didn’t seem as interested in talking to him and he couldn’t figure out what he’d done.

Most days he tried to be grateful about it. Shiro had finally gotten him on that newfangled trial but Keith wasn’t exactly hopeful about the end results. He was not getting better and there was a noticeable difference in the way the nurses treated him. ----- would probably be better off being busy with her life and forgetting she had a soulmate. Maybe once Keith died her soul would connect with someone else. She was so happy and full of life and deserved someone like that. 

But once she went a whole month with not a single word to him, Keith panicked. Something had to be wrong. Any attempt he made to open a line with her himself failed. She had completely shut him off and he didn’t know why.

Five years of friendship apparently didn’t warrant an explanation for being M.I.A

He was finally completely happy about his decision to not tell anyone about his early connection. Shiro would probably have blown this out of proportion, thinking Keith would need something to look forward to if the treatment succeeded. Keith didn’t really want to talk about it at all. 

It was almost a full year before he heard from his soulmate again. And all he got in apology for being gone for so long was one word and the strongest wave of emotion he’d felt thus far.

 

**Lance**

For Lance, it started with almost drowning. He had been almost seven years old at the time and playing on the beach with his siblings and younger cousins. The older kids kept diving under the waves and swimming far out like he wasn’t allowed to. His siblings were content to pile up as much sand as they could before the crest of the waves destroyed their hard work, giggling in delight as it melted away. Lance, however, couldn’t take his eyes off the mesmerizing pattern of the water. 

Everyone was so distracted with their games, no one noticed him go far past what his  _ mama  _ had warned the little ones to. Lance doesn’t remember the experience much, just losing his footing on the slimy sand and not being able to find air again. His head was splitting open, his  _ mama  _ was crying, and his  _ papa  _ had his hands on the front of Lance’s swimsuit, on his aching chest. 

There was another voice in his head, among the commotion of all his family pulling him into their arms and crying because he was breathing again. That part Lance would never be able to forget. Soft and confused, the voice spoke to him. Lance laughed off the almost drowning, the giddiness of already hearing his soulmate overwhelming anything else. He was too young, at the time, to appreciate the gravity of what had just happened, just knew it upset everyone else and he always aimed to make people smile so he said what he thought would make them happy.

He told them he got his soulmate. 

No one believed him, chalking it up to being drowsy from his near death experience. They took him to the hospital to make sure everything was okay and besides some mild nausea, he felt fine. 

His soulmate told him they thought it’d be fun to keep it secret for a while. And Lance liked the idea so it was several years before he mentioned Keith again to anyone in his family.

When he did, he was ten and his parents were much more willing to listen. It was rare for a connection to happen at ten, but they figured Lance was just an early bloomer. They were very pleased to hear their little girl had such a great soulmate. 

That was the first time Lance was able to place the discomfort he’d been feeling for so long. Something had always felt wrong like his body didn’t fit him, but whenever he tried to explain it to someone, they’d always said he’d grow into his gangly limbs. They never understood, and neither did he. 

There was no different way that his  _ mama  _ had said ‘girl’ than any other time when she referred to Lance, but that day it stood out to him. He stood in the bathroom for a very long time just staring at his face in the mirror and trying to figure out why he felt so  _ wrong.  _

He really tried to ignore it, because it made no sense. He should not be feeling this way. No one else in his very large family seemed to have any issues with feeling like they were in the wrong body, so he tried to act like them. 

Every time anyone called his name, though, it made his hands shake. It only got worse. He was talking to Keith and, for the first time in months, he used Lance’s name. 

It felt like drowning all over again. 

Veronica said it was a panic attack. They took him to a therapist when Lance kept having them. 

The therapist never called him by that name. She said Lance was too young to be diagnosed with the proper terms yet, but she used them anyways when they talked. Words like dysphoria and trans. She said they could try testing out new names. Anything ranging from completely neutral to extremely masculine. Nothing too feminine. 

He liked his therapist. When Lance proposed the idea of being called by something masculine at home to his parents, however, they didn’t like her so much. He wasn’t allowed to go back.

Lance had planned on telling Keith next, but his parents were so upset about it and he never got to it. 

They fought all the time and his cousins told him it was his fault. He heard them arguing over him and knew it was true. 

Lance tried to go back to being feminine, wearing dresses his dad said made him look so pretty. Veronica helped him when it became too much, taking him out of sight of their parents and calming him down by discussing what they could call him. 

Veronica was the one who thought of Lance. They tested out several names before it, but that was the one that stuck. 

Veronica was also the one that told their parents to stop forcing him to be something he wasn’t. She refused to use his old name and their siblings picked up on the habit. 

_ Mama  _ came around and it took a while but she tried.  _ Papa  _ never did. 

Lance stopped talking to Keith for a long time. He felt so horrible about it, those occasional nudges making it worse. Keith was probably so worried. But Lance couldn’t bear it. 

Veronica found out he’d stopped talking to his soulmate. Veronica knew him too well. She didn’t ever pressure him, try to make him feel guiltier, or coerce him into coming out to Keith before he was ready. She just promised to support him when Lance did. Somehow that helped.

It took awhile, but he finally worked up the nerve to open a line again. His hands were shaking in Veronica’s tight grip. He had no idea where to begin, it had been so long. 

So all he said was  _ ‘Lance.’ _

 


End file.
